Secrets of Living in Buffalo- things you’d probably never know if you didn’t live here.

1- The only mall worth going to is the Galleria, but there are actually 3 others in the area.
2- There are actual buffalo in Delaware Park.
3- We have 4 distinct seasons- winter gets into the negatives, summer can be 100 degrees, and fall and spring actually exist. Leaves turn in the fall, April showers come in spring, the whole she-bang.
4- Everyone gets excited the first time it snows.
5- We don’t always have snow on Christmas. In fact, it’s a nice surprise if we do.
6- No one bothers with the few strip clubs here, the Canadian ballet is only 20 minutes away and you get to see a lot more.
7- It’s always confusing when a Buffalonian goes to a zoo in another city and sees people taking pictures of Canadian geese in an exhibit. They just wander around here. So do turkeys.
8- Buffalo is 9 hours from Manhattan. We’re not next-door neighbors and no one ever goes there for the hell of it. Stop asking.
9- General Mills’ factory is here and the city always smells like Cheerios when you drive down the 190. It’s delicious.
10- Chicken wings are one of the easiest recipes to replicate, and no other city can seem to manage it. Stop making it so complicated and maybe we’ll start eating them in other cities.
11- Anchorbar is not the best place to get wings. Even though it’s famous and the “birthplace of wings,” Duff’s is better.
12- Buffalo’s nickname “the Queen City” is actually in reference to Chicago being the King City, not New York.
13- It is common, and perfectly acceptable, to live with your parents into your mid twenties.
14- Seeing Niagara Falls is not worth a honeymoon to Buffalo. Yes, they’re amazing. No, there’s not much else to do once you’ve seen them.
15- As long as you stay in the city you’re pretty safe from traffic tickets,speeding tickets, etc. step into the suburbs, where outsiders are frowned upon, and you’ll get a ticket before you even know your phone has rung.
16- We have the best late night food ever. Period.

Childhood advice is ruining our generation.

Growing up, there was one common piece of advice that every child heard—you can be anything you want to be when you grow up. That’s great advice for the 6 year old who wants to be a space cowboy, but at some point you have to accept that it’s not entirely true. Okay, you can bust your ass and become successful in most careers but there are just some things not everyone can do. The 30-year-old cart-pushing drummer is probably always going to remain the former. Unless he’s struck by a bolt of lucky lightning (which I think has happened maybe twice in history), chances are he wasn’t meant to be a rock star. Regarding the 25-year-old “actress” working in the local theater? Feel free to either move to Hollywood, where you’ll get a big fat reality check, or give up, move out of your parent’s house, and try something else. There’s probably something average that you’re decent at but haven’t ever put in the effort because you wanted to be famous.

This doesn’t just apply to embarrassing wannabes, either. It goes for everyone who will end up a failure because they’re dedicating their lives to something they’ll probably never achieve. The kid growing up who couldn’t figure out the difference between chemistry and physics is not going to make a good doctor. And there will be plenty of evidence of this along the way, believe me. Med schools will deny you, you’ll get turned down for internships, and seriously, you should take a hint. But no, instead you go to school in the Bahamas, or Aruba, or some other obscure place that will eventually give you a degree that will allow you to practice medicine on actual people. Am I the only one who’s disturbed by that? To me that’s like having my mother type up a pretty certificate on Word and handing it to me with the advice from childhood- “here’s your support, go be what you want to be!”

What I’m getting at here is that a disturbing number of people carried that childhood advice into adulthood and it’s not doing anyone any good. At some point in your life you have to accept that your parents were just trying to encourage a child’s active mind, not give you a life lesson that will end up lowering the standards of every professional career. Those standards are there for a reason and there are millions of jobs that people who don’t meet those standards can do instead. It’s okay to strive to be very successful at an everyday job. Not everyone has to be a rocket scientist, or a brain surgeon, so please, stop trying if you’re no good. Let it go, appreciate your parents’ advice, but stop following it to the letter. It’s embarrassing for you and everyone who watches you waste your time failing, including your parents.

The Chickens have flown the coop....

And they've landed directly in downtown Buffalo. In case you haven't heard, as of a few months ago, people are allowed to keep chickens on their property. IN THE CITY. Now I can appreciate the pleasure of having fresh eggs for breakfast, but not in the middle of Manhattan. How often do you see chickens squawking out the window on 5th avenue? Never. And that's not because New Yorkers don't love eggs. It's because it is completely inappropriate to have a chicken coop in a city. The whole concept is absurd! Where would you keep them? Your back porch? How will they get the proper care in a small, cramped, city yard? Why do you want chickens in the city to begin with? Those are two totally different lifestyles that just do not mesh.

To its credit, Buffalo officials did impose guidelines. Useless, retarded, vague guidelines, but I can't just ignore the fact that they exist. By the way, it's embarrassing that these are the  kinds of things I have to give Buffalo officials credit for. In case you're curious, there will be no roosters permitted, and no more than 5 chickens per house. Mind you, that's more than the amount of dogs you can legally have. There are other guidelines but they're not even worth mentioning, they're not amusing or purposeful. The chickens were banned in the first place because of health concerns and chicken fights. Health concerns, you say? I guess they're not a concern anymore. Maybe the chickens got vaccinated before they moved in. Chicken fights aren't really my area of knowledge but I'm willing to bet that if the police can't get a handle on dog fights and mistreatment of normal pets, they're probably not too up on the local chicken fighting. Not to mention, chickens are loud. And dirty. And a redneck trademark. Go to Springville, there's plenty of evidence down there for who should be owning and raising chickens.

On a more serious note, there are plenty of suburbs around Buffalo where you could happily raise chickens in a much more comfortable, well-suited environment. The houses aren't 5 feet away from each other, your chickens don't run the risk of being involved in a drive-by, and you (the redneck who owns them) will be much more comfortable where you can ride your John Deere all the way to the barn, instead of just to the back porch.

Unsolved Mysteries, Pt. One

There's a beautiful place in Buffalo known as the Walden Galleria. It's our mall and we love it. The lack of parking at any given time proves just how much people love it. P.F.Chang's is opening soon and pretty much everything else new is done. It's a little sad that everything new for us is 5 years old everywhere else but hey, I'll take what I can get. Anyways, I got sidetracked. I was originally headed in to buy one thing, and I ended up people watching instead. What is with teenagers and their ridiculous clothes? I wasn't allowed to wear that much makeup or that little clothing until I was at least 16. These girls are 14 years old, faces blacked out like Marilyn Manson, glaring at everyone like the world has done them some great injustice. That is, until their iPhones ring that their mothers are outside to pick them up. What are they so miserable about? I just don't understand that craze.

There is only one craze that baffles me more, and living so close to Canada one cannot help but see it everywhere. What is this craze? It has taken over the entire country... I know you've seen it..

Middle-aged Chinese women dressed in Forever 21 jeans, a sparkly halter top that absolutely shows an inch of midriff, 5 inch clear heels, and some gaudy bag. Not to mention, she's usually out with her family who finds nothing wrong with her matching her 12 year old daughter. When did this become okay? Where did they get the idea that "juniors" meant married with children? I guess it's just one of life's great mysteries, never to be solved..

Where to start with Buffalo?

I guess this is the perfect time to write about Buffalo, what with our promising football season underway, hockey on the cusp, and any semblance of good weather completely gone. But, what might sound awful to some people, for the residents of Buffalo, now is the time to get excited! Our football season started Monday night with a heartbreaking loss to the Pats. Are you surprised? I wasn't. As much as I love everything Buffalo, disappointment is a common trend in those we look up to. The Bills tried their hardest and I can promise next week's game will be watched by the same hopeful, if somewhat naive, fans. That's the beauty of this city, nothing gets us down. We can lose and lose and lose and still watch every week. Who wouldn't love that? Dedicated fans can, however, have their flaws. A few overly sensitive fans decided to trash the lawn of the player at fault and that's unfortunate. Do you honestly think you could have done better? I'm betting he probably had some experience in that situation and made his best attempt, unless he's out to sabotage our team. That must be it! McKelvin WANTS the Bills to lose. He held that ball, thought long and hard, and found the play that would surely promise a loss. But the worst part of all is that it was a group of kids. Where do you learn that those things are okay?

I never wonder how Buffalo gets its reputation or why people apologize when I say it's my hometown. Almost everything people think about our city is true, it's just not all we have to offer. In writing this, I hope to at least open people's eyes to the rest of Buffalo, both good and bad. And, as any Buffalonian knows, there are plenty of local things that no one ever hears about that are even more entertaining than the few things that make national news. Consider me an observer of all things Buffalo, providing you with an inside view of what goes on in this one-of-a-kind city.

College advice that everyone else is too polite to give..

Since a degree is fairly useful in finding a decent job, I'm putting in my time at one of our local colleges. What college it is doesn't matter, all that matters is the humor I get out of the people I see on a daily basis. Most people probably wouldn't think to put these things out in the open, but after 4+ years of college, I need to try and help these people. Because being a student gives me the opportunity to observe the same large group of people for a good period of time, I've learned to observe and comment on their behavior. So, based on my findings, I've developed a short list of tips to help make the experience more enjoyable for everyone-

1- Dry cereal is never an acceptable food to eat during a class. I don't care if it's 8am and you just finished a Master Cleanse, the last thing anyone else wants to do is listen to you chew. If you must eat, at least have the courtesy to find something that doesn't sound like bones breaking. A banana is soft, chewy, and just as healthy! You'll be full and no one will hate you for chomping in their ears. And believe me, it resonates from one side of the classroom to the other.

2- If you're going to be late to class, at least leave the evidence in the car. Strolling in 15 minutes late with Starbucks in your hand annoys everyone. It makes it embarrassingly obvious to everyone why you were late and it disrespects the teacher. Everyone runs late, it happens. If you're late because of something stupid and obvious, don't show it off to everyone. It just makes you look dumb.

3-Showing up to a morning class in sweats, flip flops, and 10 lbs of makeup is not cute. No one looks at you and thinks, "Wow! That girl is HOT!" Everyone looking at you is wondering why you are wearing so much makeup so early. Every girl in the room knows how long it took you, and it is not okay. If you want to get dressed up, go ahead! Just don't half-ass it or you look like a morning-after work hooker.

4- Wearing heels that you clearly are not comfortable in is almost as bad as makeup and sweats. Everyone watching you wobble down the hallway, or worse, the 5 flights of stairs, is concerned not only for your safety but your sanity as well. If you loved heels, you'd be better at walking in them. And I can promise there is no reason to wear them everyday (which some weeble wobbles do). If you have to work after class, throw flip flops in your bag. It looks much better to be in dress pants and flips flops, smoothly weaving through the halls, than to be stumbling through people focusing all your energy on balance. Trust me, I'm not the only one waiting for you to faceplant. Let's face it, you probably deserve to.

6-Very simple- girls only (usually). Do not flip your hair back so it sits on the desk behind you. That desk is someone else's space and your hair is gross to that person. Unless you accept that one day the person behind you may bring scissors,  just don't do it.

7- Just as simple as 6, but for the guys. Keep your hands out of your pants during class. I don't care what the problem is, how bored you are, there are plenty of acceptable things to fidget with during class besides your junk. It makes people uncomfortable.

8- Lastly, one I used to hope was a rarity. Taking your shoes off in class is NEVER okay. Do you take your shoes off in a grocery store? Or at football games? No! Public places, classrooms included, are not clothing-optional. You look like white trash with no shoes and you know what? That odor is not exclusive to your nose. Everyone can smell it, and they all know it's you, Mr. No Shoes.

Obviously these are not keys to success or tricks for getting As. I just think that if people listened to these little tidbits of advice, spending the majority of your time in the classroom wouldn't be quite so painful.